Creative outlets and other peculiar things

03.06.2022, Friday

Well, well, well.

When there's one thing that I am truely good at is procrastination. Surely I'd jest if I were to say I am proud of that. Clearly I am not, yet I always come back doing it. "Den inneren Schweinehund ├╝berwinden" one would say in my mothertongue. I'd guess there's a million books out there about getting motivated and finding fullfillment in life. Then again I have my own reasons why I am stuck like this, oh well.

Either way, I keep trying to re-ignite my passion for arts but so far my job keeps me drained and exhausted, not really in a position to do much after work.

Overall I am in a slightly troubling part of my life, yet again, but I want to get myself out of it. The thing though is that I never really know how to do it, where to start, how to progress. I feel like I am looking at a manual but it is written in an unknown language and uses pictures I have never seen before. This feeling actually isn't exclusive to this but actually with most thing in my life. I sometimes wonder if there's a pattern and an actual cause for this but I never really get anything checked out. There's not really any good kind of specialist in my city.

There's still hope for me that I get things done and changed at the end of July when I finally get my vacation at work. Some spare time to relax and also get my ass up, I guess. In the meantime I try taking small steps.

Mood: Unsure, Watching: Captain Sparklez' Poppy Playtime Chapter 2 - Part 2

Unbroken pattern or: Why things are like this

28.04.2022, Thursday

The true essence of loneliness is captured when you're in a sea of people yet it feels to you as if you are stranded on a deserted island. It is when you've family, coworkers, acquaintances...yet are mostly all on your own. It's when you keep buying decorations for Christmas and Easter with the fitting napkins, crafting invitations, thinking about what games to play, what little bags of goodies to give at the end of the party yet nothing ever actually happens.

It's a part of growing up to feel empty and alone. It's a part of growing up to severe relationships naturally and accept the fact that a typical friendship lasts 5 years and that's it. It's a part of growing up to stop celebrating the little things in life that made you happy in the past.

It's naturally that you sacrifice your bodies abilities, time and mental state for your work. It's naturally that you work overtime and for free to show that you're a good worker and show company interest. Swallow your pride and integrity, accept all the bad mouthing behind your back.

The true essence of loneliness is when you sit awake at 2am despite having early shift, it's when you wake up and think 'I don't want to go to work' because you know how stressful and mentally exhausting it will be. It is when you don't want to go to the doctor when you're seriously ill out of fear that everyone at work will think bad of you because you caused them more work just because you're ill.

It's when you feel like you've no control over your life, frantically continueing sorting your things and finding a place for everything because you cannot find a place in this world for yourself. It's when you want to throw everything away to the last piece of socks that you own and just walk away. It's when your thoughts go in a cycle, unable to change, going back to where you started once you think you've finally grown as a person and changed.

It's naturally that you keep being the old you and keep making the same mistakes. It's naturally to fake being someone else and realize at the end of the day that you want nothing more than someone who understands and accepts you. Someone that cares for the real you. You fake being okay with being on your own but you yearn for the tender embrace of someone likeminded.

The true essence of loneliness is not physically being alone, it's when your heart aches and your soul is so deeply burrowed away inside of you that nothing can reach it.

Mood: Torn, Watching: CaptainSparklez' Minecraft: Vault Hunters, The Second Coming - Ep. 10

Perpetual thoughts and the feeling of being lost

14.04.2022, Friday

Just about with Easter starting I keep having thoughts on how I don't like drawing big pieces anymore. I am a stranger hidden in the crowd, not really caring about popularity but I am still feeling do I say it? I keep drawing less and less each year as I loose my passion slowly. There's no sense of direction, yet I keep going....even when I dislike the way I draw. Tries on improving and broadening my horizon keep feeling like either a failure or a waste of time as I already am in the constant whirlwind of helplessness.

I keep trying. I keep wanting to change my life, but right now it feels hopeless again.

Man, I gotta kick myself in the ass somehow. I really don't like being stuck in Depression again. I keep talking about how I hate change but I still constantly desire it. This is a rather sad update, I guess, sorry about that. When you're challenged by the mighty weight of mortality your sense of self and your worth often crumbles away like a dry Ritz cracker in summer heat.

Well, there are a few things I am looking forward to but I am also afraid of "looking forward to it" as I kept getting disappointed in the past. I still can't help but feel excited just like a child on Christmas Eve. Maybe things will change. I keep trying. With the world in turmoil it's hard though.

Mood: Depressed, Watching: Insym's Stream

Driver's license and other happenings

08.04.2022, Friday

From today on I can proudly call myself a car driver! I passed my practical exam today and honestly speaking I haven't felt so nervous in such along time...The entire days beforehand things were fine but today I woke up and just felt awful. It showed in my performance but in the end I passed either way! I feel so happy! That means I need to save up for my first car now, that'll take a while but is going to be worth it. I've been thinking about what car I want but to be long as it works and isn't too expensie to get/keep I am fine with whatever. I would prefer something black or in a dark color but it can't be helped if there's none available. I'll take what I can get.

With my exam passed I now have a bit more time for myself outside of work! So while the weather isn't the best here I've been thinking on doing my spring cleaning either way, jsut leaving out the windows for now. I strive for a nice environment at home where I can feel relaxed and fully be myself. That can only be achieved when I get rid of unneeded things andtidy things up. I've been neglecting everything for way too long already.

Lastly speaking, I want to do more art again. Work and such kept me too busy and I kept trying to free some space but couldn't. Thusly I will dedicate a fixed amount of time for creativity in the future after I tidied up things around here! One of the things I'm looking most forward to is doing linocuts again.

Mood: Excited, Eating: Chocolate, Watching: Insym's Stream