I'm so close to my limit by now...
20.11.2024, Wednesday
I really can't remember the last time I felt happy. Not in a overjoyed or any sort of extreme way but just 'happy'. When I read my rare written down words I just see what I've always been: a very depressed, anxious individual.
In some way I am rather sick of always whining about how awful and shitty I feel but keeping it in will also just do harm. I doubt there's anyone going deep enough into my pages to really read here so...meh. Usually I try to sound at least a little bit poetic but I feel like my soul is sucked too much out of me by now.
My head is scrambled, I am always confused, keep forgetting things that I should know. I cannot concentrate, mess things up and I try to coordinate my movements well but while I think to do one thing I react differently in the end. I can feel how the people around me grow impatient. I know they keep saying how I should know these things and I should be able to do those other things and blah blah...
I don't really know when it stopped being simply depression and started being in me kind of losing myself and falling apart. I keep thinking of wanting to do better but somehow either nothing changes or I get beaten down once again and feel worse than before. There's seemingly no end to it and honestly speaking after the millions time of 'Oh, I think it's getting better.' I feel like not really getting up anymore. Every day is the same and despite promising myself to just try again the next day it just ends up being the same. It's not even a matter of 'progress takes time' anymore.
I just want to stop existing. Just for a little bit. Not think, not feel, not act.
The world of social interaction and emotional fragility...
10.10.2024, Thursday
Distraught, depressed, distressed, tormented...quite a few negative words I could describe myself with.
It's funny, really. So much so that it is almost not even worth a laugh anymore though. 'Pathetic' is sure another word I could describe this whole ordeal with. Honestly. I fear that things in this regard will never get better for me. It's sad, a pity. Surely.
I know I am depressed. I know I won't be able to ever really get therapy for that. I know as much that I have anxiety too. Yet here I am just flopping on in this shallow sad excuse of a puddle.
Well, anyway.
In some way I am really sick of writing about all this but to be honest maybe I'd feel better if I actually wrote more about my feelings. I barely ever post something here. The last entry was over a year ago. Oh, how much must've changed! No...really...that word has lost all meaning to me.
I feel emotional crippled, like something is inherently missing that is needed for me to be able to have proper social interactions and understand them. How is it that someone in your group can joke around and be funny with the others in your group but when you try to do some silly banter that person acts like they loath you. Why do I feel like the emotional version of a house of cards that is about to fall apart?
How come I feel dead inside so often but then one little thing is enough to light the dynamite to emotionally explode me and open the floodgates?
I don't need to self-analyze myself.
I don't want to self-analyze myself.
I know I am overreacting way too often. My heart is raw and open for everyone to poke into afterall. I know that people don't think about me more than needed. I know that 'fake it till you make it' works. Probably. I just don't have the emotional strength to do it.
I am emotionally detached but also overflowing with feelings.
I am emotionally unstable. I am completely out of my mind in understanding my own emotions.
I just don't want to exist sometimes. I can't see myself. I don't want to see myself. I don't want to be aweare of myself.
Who am I? What am I? I think, therefore I am. But what do I even think anymore? My mind is a mess.
I feel like I am just a pile of garbage. Not as in 'Oh, I am worthless' kind of way, more in the...well, I feel like I am just junk. Random things on top of each other that try to mimic a person.
TV static. Distortion. An aberration.
Something strange something abnormal something just broken I don't know anymore I am holding myself together at the seams and I am not so sure how long until I burst open
An incoherent feeling of displacement...
08.09.2023, Friday
Ah...the year has progressed so far yet it feels like nothing of importance to my personal life has changed at all. I feel like I am in a passengers seat instead of being the one that's driving and I just can't switch places. I don't exactly know when it had started or if it has always been like this in a way...
One blink and it feels like so much time has been wasted, so much opportunities have been lost.
Yet here I am, still doing the same job, still dragging myself through the day. I say 'dragging' but time feels like it flies by way too fast. Well, except at work, that's where you always spend an eternity. I don't really know what it is that makes me feel that way. Maybe it's just the Depression, maybe it's the shit hitting the fan in the world. Or maybe...it's just always like this. The world is percieved subjectively. It is my own fault in a way that it's awful. Yet I just cannot understand how some people can stay positive no matter what life throws at them. I am not sure if it's that I do not have the strength for it or if I am bitter or...I just don't get it.
I feel like if someone is an asshole to me and treats me badly they don't deserve my kindness. I know there's a saying that goes 'Kill them with kindness.' but I just can't. I don't want them to get anything positively percieved. Plus, there's the damn narcicists that see themselves in the right no matter what. Then again...while I feel like my kindness would be a waste my anger is probably a waste as well.
But I just can't stay calm.
There's been so much unfairness and hate I just can't stay calm. I know at the end of the day one person alone won't be able to bring change, especially if it's a nobody like me but...one can dream.
I know the earth is slowly dieing. I know conflicts will continue. I just had hoped that maybe, just maybe, things could've been at least a little bit different.
But they aren't. I gotta accept that. Just like I have to accept myself and the state I am in. There's just so much stress, internal, external...I just don't know anymore. I don't have any energy left. It's like slowly but surely my inner flame has gotten weaker and weaker. While overall things seem to be 'kinda ok' on the outside I still feel like the same hurt child on the inside, maybe even worse.
I can't put my finger on it. I can guess what is wrong, I can guess things I could try but I don't know for sure. It feels like an overall feeling of powerlessness. A haze surrounding me and I just walk through the day semi-concious, like on an autopilot. Frustration, anger, fear, disappointment...those are the main feelings that rule. A sharp knife carving my insides out while I just stand there numb to the oblivious. I want to scream. I want to cry. Yet I am standing there with a blank expression unsure what to do. Unsure how to change anything.
Nothing feels right. I feel like a factory defect.
Yet I still continue somehow. I still try out things sometimes...but it's like throwing things to the wall and see what will stick to it.
Christmas, change and other things
27.11.2022, Sunday
Been a while since I last got onto my site and did a few things. Life got pretty busy for a good while and work didn't really make things easier either. It's really hard to fullfill other expectations when they seem to change from day to day...especially considering when those expectations are unreachable. There are quite a few unfair things happening at work but I don't really want to go into detail there. It's a mess and most of all things one can easily think of when knowing how retailwork works. I work at a grocery store in my city that is located in a more financially unstable neighbourhood.
Things will naturally pop up that other parts of the city may not have, it's an obvious problem. There are still certain boundaries that need to be set and sometimes it just doesn't feel like the higher-ups got our back. Can't really do anything against that though, oh well...
So stress is kind of a big factor in my life.
On another note, Halloween already passed by without me even having time or energy to do something for it. Now Christmas is approaching and I don't even have anything decorated. I wanted to but in the end I am not really feeling any Christmas spirit this year. My fake tree broke last year and I wanted to buy a cool black one this year but I have yet to find one in my city and the only ones I find on Amazon have such mixed reviews that I am unsure if I should order one from there. I am even thinking of settling for a white one instead. Not goth, but then I can buy black baubles and such to make it more goth or maybe purple ones and other tidbits to add a witch-y vibe to it! Though...I have yet to find a good white one either. I am ok to pay a few more bucks for a good quality one as I will use it each year but....so far, nothing.
Sometimes I feel a bit like a headless chicken running around when it comes to my apartment. Not just about decorating but organizing and getting furniture etc. as well. Can't really be helped as my head is full of troubles from work but...it's annoying. I don't even have time to relax on my days off as my boss always changes the shedule even when legally speaking he has to ask his workers if they can fill in DAYS beforehand and not just the day before or not even at all.
One big thing I want to do in the future is find ways to keep a calm and collected self. Work is really frustrating and the stress is affecting my health already. My boss doesn't care, but I do. I have been sacrificing myself enough for this job already and it has always been unrewarding. 3 weeks stuck with bad bronchitis, but I worked. Really bad bladder infection that was attacking my kidneys already, but I worked. Did I get a 'Thank you' or anything? Nope. Then someone else suddenly gets sick, the boss fills me into those spots when I already had plans on my days off and yells at me when I say I can't work on that day and that it's unfair.
It's times like those when I have to stop myself and find ways to stay calm and untouched. Same with problems regarding what most nowadays call 'Karen' or other type of troublesome customers. I personally do not believe in this 'customer is king' kind of stuff, what I believe in is mutual respect. I as a store employee deserve the same respect that a customer wants from me. We are all just humans afterall. Yes, I get paid to do this job, but that doesn't mean that customers can just shit and spit at me how they feel like. I don't even know why some people can even have that kind of ideal in their head.
Well, enough complained. I didn't want to sound too much of a negative nancy but...retail sucks in that regard. It brings in money, so there's that. It's just that the emotional labour ones does is sometimes too much to handle for one person. Especially when you essencially have to work for two people because you don't have enough employees.
That said, I've been doing a little linocut some time ago and plan to do another one. I am back into the grind of drawing here and there and even got into modding a bit! I enjoy a game called 'Stardew Valley', pretty sure it's quite popular. It's basically a farming game where you can also go into the mines, fight monster and get married. The mods add extra content from new textures for the items overe completely new items, gameplay, maps and much more! My current kinda longtime project right now is a shop that appears once a week similar to the travelling merchant in-game.
The community on discord is overall really lovely as well! To be honest, discord is where I am mostly active nowadays after I stepped back from social media. there's some servers I am rather inactive in but the Stardew one is where I am mostly. If you like the game, maybe check it out!
Phasmophobia Funny Moments - Nogla's First and Last Time!
Creative outlets and other peculiar things
03.06.2022, Friday
Well, well, well.
When there's one thing that I am truely good at is procrastination. Surely I'd jest if I were to say I am proud of that. Clearly I am not, yet I always come back doing it. "Den inneren Schweinehund überwinden" one would say in my mothertongue. I'd guess there's a million books out there about getting motivated and finding fullfillment in life. Then again I have my own reasons why I am stuck like this, oh well.
Either way, I keep trying to re-ignite my passion for arts but so far my job keeps me drained and exhausted, not really in a position to do much after work.
Overall I am in a slightly troubling part of my life, yet again, but I want to get myself out of it. The thing though is that I never really know how to do it, where to start, how to progress. I feel like I am looking at a manual but it is written in an unknown language and uses pictures I have never seen before. This feeling actually isn't exclusive to this but actually with most thing in my life. I sometimes wonder if there's a pattern and an actual cause for this but I never really get anything checked out. There's not really any good kind of specialist in my city.
There's still hope for me that I get things done and changed at the end of July when I finally get my vacation at work. Some spare time to relax and also get my ass up, I guess. In the meantime I try taking small steps.
Captain Sparklez' Poppy Playtime Chapter 2 - Part 2
Unbroken pattern or: Why things are like this
28.04.2022, Thursday
The true essence of loneliness is captured when you're in a sea of people yet it feels to you as if you are stranded on a deserted island. It is when you've family, coworkers, acquaintances...yet are mostly all on your own. It's when you keep buying decorations for Christmas and Easter with the fitting napkins, crafting invitations, thinking about what games to play, what little bags of goodies to give at the end of the party yet nothing ever actually happens.
It's a part of growing up to feel empty and alone. It's a part of growing up to severe relationships naturally and accept the fact that a typical friendship lasts 5 years and that's it. It's a part of growing up to stop celebrating the little things in life that made you happy in the past.
It's naturally that you sacrifice your bodies abilities, time and mental state for your work. It's naturally that you work overtime and for free to show that you're a good worker and show company interest. Swallow your pride and integrity, accept all the bad mouthing behind your back.
The true essence of loneliness is when you sit awake at 2am despite having early shift, it's when you wake up and think 'I don't want to go to work' because you know how stressful and mentally exhausting it will be. It is when you don't want to go to the doctor when you're seriously ill out of fear that everyone at work will think bad of you because you caused them more work just because you're ill.
It's when you feel like you've no control over your life, frantically continueing sorting your things and finding a place for everything because you cannot find a place in this world for yourself. It's when you want to throw everything away to the last piece of socks that you own and just walk away. It's when your thoughts go in a cycle, unable to change, going back to where you started once you think you've finally grown as a person and changed.
It's naturally that you keep being the old you and keep making the same mistakes. It's naturally to fake being someone else and realize at the end of the day that you want nothing more than someone who understands and accepts you. Someone that cares for the real you. You fake being okay with being on your own but you yearn for the tender embrace of someone likeminded.
The true essence of loneliness is not physically being alone, it's when your heart aches and your soul is so deeply burrowed away inside of you that nothing can reach it.
CaptainSparklez' Minecraft: Vault Hunters, The Second Coming - Ep. 10
Perpetual thoughts and the feeling of being lost
14.04.2022, Friday
Just about with Easter starting I keep having thoughts on how I don't like drawing big pieces anymore. I am a stranger hidden in the crowd, not really caring about popularity but I am still feeling somehow....how do I say it? I keep drawing less and less each year as I loose my passion slowly. There's no sense of direction, yet I keep going....even when I dislike the way I draw. Tries on improving and broadening my horizon keep feeling like either a failure or a waste of time as I already am in the constant whirlwind of helplessness.
I keep trying. I keep wanting to change my life, but right now it feels hopeless again.
Man, I gotta kick myself in the ass somehow. I really don't like being stuck in Depression again. I keep talking about how I hate change but I still constantly desire it. This is a rather sad update, I guess, sorry about that. When you're challenged by the mighty weight of mortality your sense of self and your worth often crumbles away like a dry Ritz cracker in summer heat.
Well, there are a few things I am looking forward to but I am also afraid of "looking forward to it" as I kept getting disappointed in the past. I still can't help but feel excited just like a child on Christmas Eve. Maybe things will change. I keep trying. With the world in turmoil it's hard though.
Driver's license and other happenings
28.04.2022, Thursday
From today on I can proudly call myself a car driver! I passed my practical exam today and honestly speaking I haven't felt so nervous in such along time...The entire days beforehand things were fine but today I woke up and just felt awful. It showed in my performance but in the end I passed either way! I feel so happy! That means I need to save up for my first car now, that'll take a while but is going to be worth it. I've been thinking about what car I want but to be honest...as long as it works and isn't too expensie to get/keep I am fine with whatever. I would prefer something black or in a dark color but it can't be helped if there's none available. I'll take what I can get.
With my exam passed I now have a bit more time for myself outside of work! So while the weather isn't the best here I've been thinking on doing my spring cleaning either way, jsut leaving out the windows for now. I strive for a nice environment at home where I can feel relaxed and fully be myself. That can only be achieved when I get rid of unneeded things andtidy things up. I've been neglecting everything for way too long already.
Lastly speaking, I want to do more art again. Work and such kept me too busy and I kept trying to free some space but couldn't. Thusly I will dedicate a fixed amount of time for creativity in the future after I tidied up things around here! One of the things I'm looking most forward to is doing linocuts again.
